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It was 2015 and I was at a friend’s 16th birthday party — think plastic cups, girls in an assortment of flammable PrettyLittleThing dresses and a palpable ignorance to the effects of alcohol on the body.
My ambition for the night was to “get some”. I didn’t care who or how, I just wanted some action. The plan was momentarily thwarted by the extremely average looking boy I sat next to at dinner, who bored me with a run down of his GCSE revision techniques. I was, however, determined that the quest for action must go on. Therefore, the moment I finished my pudding, I removed myself from discussions on mind mapping, and went to ‘dick shop’ on the dancefloor.
Within moments I had found him; tall, dark haired and wearing a tux that actually fit him. I chewed his face off a bit on the dancefloor and then decided that we should take this somewhere more private. Naturally, I chose the makeshift grass car park which – due to the fact that no one at the party actually had a licence – was deserted with no cars to hide behind. Romance is not dead.
As I began to eat sausage, I realised just how drunk I was. This was not helped by the fact that he basically had a third leg that was not proportionate to the size of my throat. I began to feel more and more nauseous, gagging every time this living frankfurter hit the back of my gullet.
After about five minutes, I couldn’t hold it any longer. The five vodka and cranberries that I had drunk made a reappearance all over the poor boy’s nether regions and the boxers around his ankles. Pretty quickly the boy clocked onto what had happened, but I repeatedly denied this and tried to mount an argument that it was the dew on the grass that had got him so wet.
Due to the fact that all sexual tension had quite obviously disappeared, I scrambled to my feet and went back to the party. A few minutes later, I saw the boy re-enter the tent and, as far as I know, he didn’t actually tell anyone what had happened because no one, to this day, has ever mentioned it to me. I can only assume he had a chunder fetish.
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